There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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