Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
