i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
