I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
