Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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