happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
