Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
