You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
