he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
