I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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