I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
