I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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