Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
