There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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