I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
