Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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