So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
