My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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