Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
