Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
