i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
