3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
