Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
