My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So squirting runs in the family.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
