New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
