I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
