So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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