and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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