the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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