Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You dont lie about slip and slides
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
