News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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