Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
