they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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