I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
