Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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