you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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