Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
