nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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