Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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