Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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