I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
