onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
