last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
