Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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