If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
