i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
