eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
