Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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