I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
He kissed a someone with a penis
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
