ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just had sex bonerless
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
